


Song of Spark and Swagger

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Siblings, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dysfunctional Family, Families of Choice, Father-Daughter Relationship, Feelings, Gen, Harry Cares, He Tries Not To, I dunno if that's the right tag for this, Lilo & Stitch - Freeform, Orphans, Siblings, he really does
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 06:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9709127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: They were not the heroes Harry wanted, but he was the hero they needed.





	1. Welcome to Swag Earth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everyperfectsummer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everyperfectsummer/gifts), [WynterTwylight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WynterTwylight/gifts), [theoneandonlyzoom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoneandonlyzoom/gifts).



> I realize I am not a Len level planner, but these lunatics derailed what few bullet points I envisioned for this fic. Chapter Two was SUPPOSED to end with Hunter speedster-stabbing Wyn Earth Zoom, declaring "There's only ONE Zoom in the multiverse, and that's me!" And the Zolomon triplets were all SUPPOSED to be unrelated orphans who'd met at an orphanage, but then I decided to make it easier on myself and make them all triplets; thus, feelings happened when they trekked to Wyn Earth and UGH! *bangs head against desk in shame*
> 
> So now the plot (such as it is) has become inspired by ladyofpride's The Oubliette. I love Oubliette--it's brilliantly breathtaking and utilizes A+ references--but I got tired of waiting for an update, so I wrote my own :D Admittedly, Oubliette doesn't appear to have inspired this fic at first glance; however, this fic also begins in season 2 whereas Oubliette is a pre-series/season one fic. Think of this as post Oubliette. Flashbacks/raiding Eo's stalker security footage shall most likely happen in future chapters, which will hopefully show just how inspiring Oubliette was for this fic.
> 
> BTW, DEATHYAY | Pascal Zolomon looks like Rapunzel from Tangled & Hiver Frost | Kristoff Zolomon looks like Kristoff from Frozen.
> 
> FYI, if you hate Disney, this is not the fic for you.

They couldn’t agree on a name they all liked, so they agreed on a name they all hated instead.  Thus, Central City found itself under the protection of Swaggy Sparkles.  The particle accelerator explosion endowed dozens, if not hundreds of folks with extraordinary abilities; there were only three metahumans who didn’t use their powers for destructive purposes... most of the time.

DEATHYAY: her _Tangled_ -inspired costume was treated with a chemical wash which made it fireproof because she possessed the unfortunate urge to watch her masterpieces burn.  She and Heatwave frequented the same crafting shop for knitting gear and quilting supplies, respectively.

Zoom: a speedster in a seductive leather lookalike and mischievous lightning glinting in his eyes.  His and Pied Piper’s clashes typically devolved into innuendo wars, at least one of them naked, and somebody bent over the nearest surface or against the nearest wall.  All hell broke loose across the city when he and Golden Glider discovered they shared a birthday.

Hiver Frost: generally, folks described this Glaceon-beanied cryomaniac as the theoretical demon spawn of Mitsukuni Haninozuka and Belkar Bitterleaf.  He escaped the Rogues’ attempt to discern Swaggy Sparkles’ identities by singing so many Weird Al songs, Heatwave chucked him out of the van before they arrived at the destination they’d intended to interrogate him in.

One afternoon, a scarred shark the size of a truck barreled in from another universe.  It tracked Zoom’s bioelectricity straight to a confrontation between Swaggy Sparkles and the Rogues Gallery.  DEATHYAY and Captain Cold called a truce to deal with this shit.

Peek-a-Boo teleported and Zoom zipped in enough directions to give this shark vertigo.  Golden Glider gilded it in place when it collapsed from Pied Piper’s sonic onslaught.  Flames erupted from Heatwave’s heat gun and DEATHYAY’s glistening mane and nails.  Captain Cold and Hiver Frost flash froze it before it could recover.

The two teams resumed out-quipping each other within walking distance of this sharkcicle.  Nevertheless, the Rogues got away with their loot.  Swaggy Sparkles contemplated what to do with this sharksicle.  DEATHYAY pulled a notepad out of her chameleon-buttoned messenger bag and wrote down/crossed off options.  They were left with haul it into the Pipeline or eat it when another interdimensional visitor shot Zoom with a paralytic rifle.  Zoom collapsed into his sleeveless brother who snarled at the stranger.

“You’re a bad guy on our Earth; and I’m guessing Zoom’s a bad guy on your Earth,” DEATHYAY surrendered her palms and stood between her brothers and the stranger, “so can we maybe please hold off on holding our mirrors’ crimes against each other???”

Harry’s jaw tightened until he powered down his weapon.  He exhaled tension when Zoom didn’t speedster stab him when he recovered.  Hiver Frost relaxed… perhaps a bit too much.

“You look like you’ve killed people,” the youngest Zolomon greeted with a psychotic, closed smile.

Harry cocked his rifle again until DEATHYAY told him, “That’s just Kirstoff's way of saying hi!”

Zoom chimed in faster than anybody could blink, “Do you Dom, sub, or switch?”

“Aaaaand that’s Hunter's way of saying hi,” DEATHYAY sighed. “I’m Pascal: the leader; and by ‘leader’, I mean I say words.  Hiver Frost hears half of them, Zoom hears the other half, and together, they form a more or less coherent command.” She turned to her brothers. “Listen up!” She held out a wad of cash. “This is money.” The boys nodded. “Use this money to buy food, and once you buy it, stay at the place you bought your food until I call you back.” She lost them once she stopped speaking in bullet points, so she held up three fingers with her free hand.

“Money!” Zoom remembered.

“Food!” exclaimed Hiver Frost.

“One more!” she nodded encouragingly at them with a hopeful grin. “....It starts with an S.”

“Sex!”

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

DEATHYAY’s hope faltered, “ST…”

“D!!!” guessed Zoom.

Hiver Frost finally guessed, “....Stay!!!”

“Yes!” DEATHYAY barked incredulous laughter and crossed her fingers. “Now put it all in a sentence....”

Harry wiped his face while the boys deliberated with each other before they came up with, “....Buy food with money...................... and stay there!”

“Lunchtiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!!!” Hiver Frost left snow in his wake while he and Zoom darted off to the nearest eatery.

DEATHYAY watched to ensure they departed without incident before clasping her hands and asking, “So… what can we do for you?”

Nobody blamed Harry for saying, “Fuck this shit, I’m rescuing Jesse myself.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” DEATHYAY scrambled to cut him off. “Do you run STAR Labs in your universe?” Harry grunted affirmatively. “Great! So you know that in any given organization, some people are more functional than others.”

“You qualify as sane.  You must be so proud of yourself.”

“Oh no, I am also an other, but because there are no additional people in our organization, I appear to be a people when really, I’m the least of three evils—not that we’re evil!  We’re more like Chaotic Good; I’d love to identify as Lawful Good, but strictly speaking, vigilantism isn’t a 100% Lawful activity, so in practice, I’m Neutral Good.”

Harry was a step away from entering the portal.  He glared to give her one last chance.

“I know we’re not the heroes anybody wants to rescue their anything, but we’re also the heroes nobody expects to liberate their captives!”

Curt blue eyes scrutinized pear green eyes forever.  DEATHYAY couldn’t help but squirm under his frozen-hearted gaze.  Harry wrinkled his nose and eventually admitted to himself that he had no other options.  Zoom and Hiver Frost returned as thunderously as they left.  Zoom tossed DEATHYAY a wheat Kaiser roll with two slices of pepperjack cheese, two slices of cheddar cheese—one slice of each on both sides—tomatoes, and low fat mayo packaged inside an unblemished toasty paper while Hiver Frost handed Harry two quadruple cheeseburgers.

“Aw, thanks, guys,” she chirped. “You’re so sweet.”

“How did you know my favorite burger???”

Vorpal energy deafened whatever answer he assumed the trio gave on the matter.  The trio remained silent, hoping their mission and their future success would steer him away from this line of questioning forever.


	2. Welcome to Wyn Earth

This brave, new world seemed sepia-toned to the Swaggy Sparkles.  Harry herded them into his office.  Once inside, they figured the best way to find Jesse was for Zoom to think of wherever he’d hide a captive.  It didn’t take him long to conjure an answer.

“Bacon Dinner Sword Marsh!”

Somebody clearly was drinking when inventing a name for their business, “Do I want to know what kind of club this is???”

“Considering we’re rescuing your daughter, nope!”

“What’s behind curtain number two, Zolomon?”

“Ya know, technically, you could be referring to all three of us if you say that,” Zoom clicked his tongue and fired finger pistols at Harry.  Furtive surprise flickered across Harry’s face before it reset to irritated boredom.

Zoom brought them to a gloomy train station in Ascension Hills.  Swaggy Sparkles recalled fond memories of playing here as children before their father murdered Ashley.  The group found Jesse wriggling her toes and humming ‘I See the Light’ until she waved behind a phase-proof containment cell, “Hi, Dad!”

“Jesse!” Harry would’ve reminded her that this was stealth mission if the native Zoom hadn’t darted out of the shadows to tackle his doppelgänger.  A tumbleweed of blue lightning rolled around dusty floors until Hiver Frost iced their path.  The tumbleweed crashed into a wall with Wyn Earth Zoom on top.  Wyn Zoom pinned Swag Zoom and curled his claws around this presumed imposter’s throat.  Harry aimed true and paralyzed the kidnapper long enough for Swag Zoom to reverse their positions.  Wyn Zoom writhed underneath him.  DEATHYAY and Hiver Frost prepped their powers yet didn’t want to hurt their brother’s doppelgänger.  Harry impatiently waited for his rifle to recharge.

DEATHYAY wondered where her and Hiver Frost’s counterparts were and scanned the lair for clues.  All she found was a photo of their childhood selves and their mother.  Their father was ripped out of the picture, yet his hands haunted young Hunter’s shoulders.

“Hunter, where are Pascal and Kristoff?” DEATHYAY asked Wyn Zoom, who lashed out harder upon hearing his siblings’ names.

“ **Where are yours???** ” Wyn Zoom sneered at Swag Zoom.

“Right over there,” Swag Zoom flicked his head towards them as if it was no big deal.

Wyn Zoom phased out from beneath Swag Zoom and scrutinized DEATHYAY and Hiver Frost at super speed.  He gulped and stepped back when he recognized their eyes, “ **Y-you can’t be here!  He killed you!!!** ”

DEATHYAY, Swag Zoom, and Hiver Frost gasped.  Harry shot Wyn Zoom again before the latter could tell his tale.  Swag Zoom took the shot instead by tackling him out of the way.  Wyn Zoom’s gaze flitted at his twitching doppelgänger before darkening upon Harry.

Wyn Zoom pounced on Harry and punched his face to within a centimeter of his life.  DEATHYAY and Hiver Frost pulled him off while Swag Zoom bisected Harry’s weapon with a phasing hand.

“You have his daughter, Hunter, he’s scared you’re gonna hurt her,” DEATHYAY reasoned with him. “Let her go… and your other captive, too.”

Wyn Zoom kept his eyes on Harry while releasing Jesse and Jay Garrick.  Jesse skipped into a hug with her father.  This was basically a glorified sleepover, complete with snacks and a Disneyathon.  Harry quizzically blinked at her until she pointed out a screen and a cabinet of DVDs, “Well whaddya think that TV’s for?”

Jay Garrick dusted himself off and lamented, “This is the second Zoom I’ve been captured by; the rest of the gang’ll never let me live this down!” He handed them a cPhone. “If you ever need help, advice, training, or anything, call me or one of the dozens of other heroes in the contacts list.” He scanned both Zooms to obtain their universes' coordinates—Jay Earth, Yarn Earth, STAR Earth, TESS Earth, AO3 Earth, Joseph Earth, and Shock Earth were already in each cPhone. “I am so, so happy the Ciscos and the Hartleys figured out how to make portal generators portable.  They used to be these great big honking things that weighed heavier than I do, but now there’s an app for that! Whoo-hoo!”

Harry wondered out loud, “How can you trust a bunch of strangers—including your captor—with access to the multiverse!?”

Jay Garrick paused to face him, brandishing a you-have-no-idea-how-easy-you-have-it grin, “The first Zoom I was captured by was a serial killer and the leader of a metahuman army.  The worst torture this Zoom thrust upon us was _Pocahontas_.” Jay stepped into the portal and bowed at Swaggy Sparkles. “And without further ado, I bid you adieu!”

Jesse quirked her head at Swaggy Sparkles and erupted with excitement at meeting more folks from another Earth, “Omigosh! We need to figure out which Earth has the best Disney movies!!!”

Harry’s jaw dropped when Jesse created a portal to Swag Earth all by herself.  He knew she could affect vibrational currents, but how the hell did that allow her to cross dimensions???

“C’mon, slowpoke!” Jesse didn’t give him a chance to revise the laws of science before yanking him through the portal.

Swaggy Sparkles headed through it until they realized Wyn Zoom wasn’t budging.  They stopped to ask him why.  He echoed his caretakers’ words and claimed he was dangerous.

“Harry’s dangerous,” Swag Zoom retorted. “He’s let his trigger finger off its leash three times in less than twenty-four hours!”

“We’ll show you how to direct your dangerous towards heroism,” DEATHYAY offered.

“Do you know what ‘ohana means?” Hiver Frost clasped Wyn Zoom’s hand, who shook his now unmasked head. “It means a lot of different things: love folks unconditionally, don’t give up on anybody, look for folks when they go missing, nobody hurts each other no matter how mad we are, nobody gets left behind or forgotten, and bring folks home when you find them cold and alone in the dark.”

“More succinctly, it means ‘family’,” DEATHYAY explained with a sad smile as she clasped Wyn Zoom’s other hand.

“Come be a part of it,” Swag Hunter clasped Hiver Frost and DEATHYAY’s hands: completing this diamond of quadruplets.  Wyn Hunter teared up, collected his Disney movies and his few other possessions—including that photo—and accompanied them to Swag Earth.


	3. Welcome Back to Swag Earth

“Coffee is awesome!!!” Jesse rabbited around STAR Labs after Swag Earth Icees disgusted her.  Harry paused rebuilding his rifle to wonder what his daughter had pillaged now when Pascal answered the question for him.

“Jesse, how many of those have you had?”

“Nine! And call me ‘Wyn’!  Dad does cuz he’s super special, and you and the rest of the Sparkles are super special, too!”

“Wyn, you’re only supposed to drink one.”

“Per hour???”

“Per day—two if you’re pulling an all-nighter,” Pascal winced. “Hunter!” she turned on her older-younger brother who was typing away on his phone.  After a round of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock—Jesse’s recommendation—Swag Hunter won the right to remain called Hunter while Wyn Hunter was rechristened Huntsman. “Why weren’t you watching how much she was drinking???”

“Writing GoldYAY fanfiction over here!” Hunter huffed without shame.  Pascal frowned and lasered her disapproval. “What? Wyn’s an adult; she can decide how much coffee she can handle.”

“Jesse’s nowhere near adulthood!” Harry hissed.

“You’re just saying that cuz you’re her dad,” Hunter rolled his eyes and resumed typing at a billion miles an hour. “She’s eighteen, Doc.”

“Starting last week!  She doesn’t turn 21 for three more years.”

Thus, Harry discovered that the United States of Stupidity allowed _adults_ to enlist in the army yet barred them from drinking for three more years.  Oh and uh, btdubs, none of the Zolomons were adults either.  They weren’t even a year older than Jesse.  A kid kidnapped his kid, and then he enlisted three more kids to rescue his kid. WTF!?!

Harry recalled himself at eighteen years old.  32 years later, and he still wasn’t ready to adult, yet he conquered the challenge of fatherhood and eventually single parenthood with flying colors… said no one ever, but at least his kid wasn’t eating frosting for dinner.

“We need calories!” Kristoff whined as he futilely attempted to recover his teenage breakup food.

“You also need nutrients, vitamins, minerals—any of those ringing a bell???” Harry exhaled disappointment before consulting the least of ~~three~~ four evils. “I assume you live somewhere with access to a kitchen.  Take us there.”

“Or I can point and click!” offered Jesse.  She pointed at the wall, chirped “Click!”, and ta-da!  They arrived in Swaggy Sparkles’ downtown apartment.

There were as many takeout boxes beside the trashcan as were inside it, the only table in the place—a coffee table—was occupied by Funko Pops and yarn, and most of their silverware was plastic.  Their fridge and pantry contained such treasures as: Lucky Charms, frosting, whipped cream, hot chocolate, ice cream, bananas, milk, mini bagels, pumpkin spice cream cheese, Ramen noodles, Code Red Mountain Dew, sandwich accoutrements, and a Market Basket’s worth of Little Debbies.  Eventually, Harry chanced upon chili in a can and rice in a packet.  Harry saw no evidence that these children were the adults their society claimed they were.  In fact, inspecting their array of spotless tools, Harry doubted any of them knew how to operate their oven because nothing in this location required culinary labor to prepare.

Huntsman set his crate of Disney movies down beside the baby cabinet of movies and more Funko Pops.  He spotted one Wyn Earth didn’t have in the process.

“That’s our favorite one,” Pascal admitted while rubbing the back of her neck.

“The bunny-bug’s cute!  Let’s watch it!” judged Jesse before plopping onto their sofa and foraging for the remote. “Dad! Pascal!”

“We’re making dinner, Wyn,” Harry reminded her with a level of patience only a parent possessed.

“Well, make dinner faster!”

Pascal read and reread the instructions on the packet and the can and tossed the chili and the rice in separate pots.  Finding suitable ones produced a deafening amount of clanging and shrieks at an avalanche of ovenware.  Hunter speed-shoved back into the cabinet and propped his foot against the door for good measure.  Pascal didn’t set the oven—why bother when she could simply heat everything with her powers?  This earned a sigh from Harry.  The point behind food is replenish lost nutrients.  Utilizing powers to prepare food zapped more nutrients away.

Kristoff rummaged through Hunter’s half of their dresser to locate civilian clothes for Huntsman: V-neck long-sleeved tee, green chinos, and socks.  Huntsman zipped in and out of the bathroom, reappearing in this outfit in time to accept a portion of chili-covered rice.  Pascal brought over a bowl for herself and Jesse, which the latter gleefully accepted.  Kristoff swooped enough of his Funko Pops into his half of his and Hunter’s dresser to make space for the bowls and drinks which was promptly seized by a loofah version of a witch’s familiar.  She sniffed the food and grumbled that there was no meat in it.

Harry stared at her.  Who gave these children permission to care for a critter in addition to themselves???

“{You may address me as Miss Kitka: Ruler of All You Plebes.  I accept offerings in chin scritches, tuna juice, and catnip mice.}”

Who gave these children permission to care for a metacritter in addition to themselves???

Jesse abducted Miss Kitka into her lap.  Miss Kitka squirmed out of it, became poufy, and fumed at Harry, “{Your kitten picked me up and moved me without letting me sniff her hand first! How rude!}”  Jesse apologized with a wide-eyed pout.  Miss Kitka exposed her chin and purred at Jesse ameliorating her with chin scratches.  Miss Kitka then looked at the giddy author, “{Hunter, put your phone away and eat dinner.}”

“It’s part of my authorial responsibilities to respond to comments on my fanfiction!” Hunter kept on tapping at super speed until Miss Kitka telekinetically confiscated it.  Hunter whined for it back, yet Miss Kitka sat firm.

“{No facet of your health is tied to your participation on AO3.  Your authorial responsibilities can wait until after the film.}”

Hunter groaned as he grabbed a bowl of chili-covered rice and a spoon.  He mixed in particles of ground up STAR Bars: granola-like bricks tailored to his metabolism’s needs.  Pascal and Kristoff had their own versions.  He tossed Huntsman a packet as well.  Hunter’s grimace at Miss Kitka was undermined by his chipmunk cheeks.  He ruined it completely by swaying and botching Hawaiian along with Pascal and Kristoff when ‘He Mele No Lilo’ began.

Harry settled in, resigned to his fate of Elvis and surfing mixed in with aliens and custody battles.  _Lilo & Stitch_, like everything else he’d discovered of Swag Earth so far, reeked of absurdity.  Jumba couldn’t go longer than four scenes in a row without appearing off-model, this movie perpetuated the myth that genetic engineering is inherently evil, and Harry was rooting for Cobra Bubbles to take Lilo away from Nani because Nani was an irresponsible mess who let her six-year-old sister and definitely-not-a-dog-you-morons wander around unsupervised for hours at a time.

“I wish our family had a Nani,” mumbled Huntsman, who was nestled between Pascal and Kristoff.  Harry squished between Jesse and an arm rest, yet Harry heard him anyway because he possessed fifteen ranks in Hearing Quiet Children.  He would’ve scoffed at this pathetic whim if Huntsman hadn’t elaborated, “someone who tried to take care of us after James killed Mom.”

Swaggy Sparkles hunched in on themselves at that.  Their lips quivered like they weren’t saying something that should’ve been said ages ago.  Jesse leaned into Harry and whispered, “STAR Labs only has Swaggy Sparkles keeping the lights on.  What if they lost this Earth’s you, me, and Mom???”

Harry took refuge in the bathroom and breathed deeply into his hands.  He didn’t even think to look himself up when sifting through news reports to recruit folks who’d help him recover Jesse.  His breath fled when he finally did.

Jesse was never born because Tess Morgan died in a car crash, and Harrison Wells died less than half a year ago.

Every time they looked at him, they were seeing the ghost of their father....

“{No, they’re not,}” Miss Kitka wriggled through the door to inform him.  There was a haunted quality to her telepathy. “{Harrison Wells died alongside his wife.  His identity was stolen by a time-traveling sociopath intent on tearing them apart.  You don’t need superpowers to see that he succeeded.  When they look at you, they see the ghost of lies and manipulation.}”

“You care about them, too!” Jesse invaded the bathroom. “That’s your I-don’t-wanna-admit-I-care face!”

“Jesse, I might’ve been actually been using this!”

“Well, unless you pee through your eyeballs, you weren’t.  I wanna stay on Swag Earth!”

“With four lunatics—one of whom imprisoned you!?” Harry tried his best, but their turmoil infected him. “They don’t even have good Icees here!”

“I can always just point and click and bring Icees back with me,” Jesse figured out those logistics ages ago. “And the reason Huntsman ‘imprisoned’ me and Mr. Garrick is cuz a jerk attacked us after her metahuman alert app beeped with rage!  Those cages were designed to keep folks out, not keep folks in.” Jesse bonked his forehead. “He didn’t even chain us up, ya goofball!” Jesse deflated. “I like Swag Earth better cuz all my friends are here.  They accept me unconditionally instead of wishing I was different.  Our Earth doesn’t have _Lilo & Stitch_ cuz most folks on our Earth are Mertles.”

Harry intended the metahuman alert app to alert users to the presence of metahuman criminals, not folks trying to survive life! And most definitely not his child!!!

“Fine,” Harry surrended, “but not in this hovel.  It’s barely large enough for three of us, never mind six.”

“{Ahem!}”

“Seven of us,” Harry amended himself to include Miss Kitka.

“Yippee!” Jesse cheered. “We’ll be like the Brady Bunch, but way cooler!!!”

She scampered off to inform Swaggy Sparkles that they needed to move. Like right now.  Swaggy Sparkles blinked at each other and her with confusion.  Miss Kitka suggested a location which widened their eyes and tightened their posture.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this :3 Enjoy what you do here and everywhere!


End file.
